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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first is the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. And, breaking, there's another WAIT WAIT Virtual Comedy Club. It's coming your way May 18, featuring panelists Alonzo Bodden, Maeve Higgins, Adam Burke and Karen Chee. Tickets will go on sale May 7 at nprpresents.org.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

DIEGO: Hi, how you doing?

SAGAL: I'm doing all right. Who's this?

DIEGO: This is Diego from Amherst, Mass.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Amherst?

DIEGO: It's actually Amherst, Mass..

SAGAL: Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

DIEGO: No, that's OK. Only the H is silent in Amherst.

SAGAL: Right.

DIEGO: Right.

SAGAL: And what do you do there in Amherst other than correct people's pronunciations thereof?

(LAUGHTER)

DIEGO: Well, as it turns out, I am a middle school principal.

SAGAL: No, really?

BILL KURTIS: Of course, he corrected...

HELEN HONG: That tracks. That tracks.

ADAM FELBER: Absolutely.

SAGAL: Oh, my God. I've always thought that the toughest job in the world would have to be middle school teacher, but now I revise that to say middle school principal would be even tougher.

DIEGO: It's actually lots of fun, too.

SAGAL: Oh, I'm glad to hear it. Well, Diego, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. You ready to do this?

DIEGO: I am ready. Let's go.

SAGAL: All right. Let's hear your first limerick.

KURTIS: Top notch ice cream is Italy's motto for each cone and each cup that you've bought-o. Milk, eggs and flavor is all that you will savor. We have outlawed imperfect...

DIEGO: Gelato?

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Very good, Diego. Gelato.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: A new law in Italy will make bad gelato illegal. Bad gelato can be anything from gelato that has too much air pumped into it or gelato that has robbed a bank.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's kind of weird that Italy is deciding to draw a line in the law at artificial ingredients and saturated fats in gelato, but they won't do anything about whoever built that crappy tower in Pisa. And who knew there was such a thing as bad gelato? There's good gelato and gelato you'll eat anyway.

HONG: Is there an official gelato quality test dude in Italy that's like, (mimicking Italian accent) no good?

SAGAL: Yes, apparently they're going to...

FELBER: (Mimicking Italian accent) You are going to have to go to gelato jail.

SAGAL: Yes. Can you imagine, you're in jail. You're like, well, I killed somebody, what are you in here for? And the guy's like, bad gelato. Killer backs away.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Diego, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Our new office space doesn't flout floors, and our janitors are left without cords. There's no windows, no walls, and no long, dismal halls. Our new workspace is set up...

SAGAL: Outdoors. That's it.

KURTIS: Outdoors.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Due to the pandemic, many landlords of office buildings are opting to reconfigure their office spaces to be outdoors, so get ready to rub sunscreen on your boss's back.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Leave it to work to ruin outside for everyone. Soon you'll be like, how was your lunch break? And your co-worker goes, I went inside, it was so good just to feel the fluorescent light in my face.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It might get a little challenging to do office work outside. Like, if it gets windy, you'll have to carry around a bucket of rocks to weigh down your reports. The candy jar on the receptionist's desk will always be swarmed by seagulls. And the lions know we gather around the water cooler, so that's where they wait for us.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Diego, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: My makeup is taking a fun turn. It's a summer trick you cannot unlearn. I use SPF to make cheeks more high-def. I will contour with help of a...

DIEGO: Sunburn.

SAGAL: Sunburn, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A new beauty trend to where you intentionally get sunburned is worrying doctors. The idea is that you only put sunscreen on certain parts of your face. And the resulting sunburn adds contour, sleekness and that sexy je ne sais melanoma. It's like, wow, you look so hot. Like, literally, are you OK? Your face is peeling.

HONG: I inadvertently did this the first, like, summer when we were all wearing masks, and I gave myself, like, a mask tan on my face. And I...

SAGAL: Well, how did it look? Did it give you good cheekbones?

LACI MOSLEY: Hot.

HONG: Yeah, it was hot.

SAGAL: Now, if, unlike me and Helen, you're not a makeup expert, contouring is using foundation or concealer to darken or lighten areas of the face. It can highlight your cheekbones or, in my case, my jowls. But with this trend, you put sunscreen everywhere and - where you don't want to look darker, and then you stare into the sun. But to be clear, don't do that. It is a bad idea.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Well, I guess I'll just have to go back to sucking in my cheeks all day.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Diego do?

KURTIS: Well Diego scored big. A perfect score - 3-0.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Diego.

DIEGO: Hey, thanks so much. It was lots of fun.

SAGAL: Bye-bye. Take care.

DIEGO: Bye. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.