Seventeen year old Lucien describes himself as a non-speaking autistic person. He loves watching NPR Tiny Desk concerts, traveling to new places, and writing poetry. Lucien worked with a KALW producer to create this audio essay which weaves together two of his poems. They are voiced by KALW’s Hussain Khan.
Click the play button above to listen
All my effort is not enough to get my body
To obey.
It runs wild.
Mad
Lion, predator.
All my effort is not enough to get my body
To race.
To fly high.
Free
Bat, high-flying.
All my effort is not enough to get my body
To calm.
No gentle healing.
Peaceful
Feline, languorous.
——————
My name is Lucien Gonzalez. I’m a seventeen-year-old nonspeaking autistic person. I love watching Tiny Desk concerts, traveling to new places, and writing poetry.
Because I can’t speak, the default assumption is that I also can’t think or understand. Like most non-speaking students, I was placed in isolated “special” classes at school and given really low level academics year after year. I was most often treated like a toddler, even in middle school.
This treatment was unimaginably painful, as it was based on a terrible misunderstanding about my disability. I’m not stupid. But I have apraxia, which is an inability to perform purposeful actions, including the purposeful action of speech. It basically means my body doesn’t obey instructions from my brain. So, for example, when I really want to stay sitting to learn in school, my body might stand up and run away, and then people assume I’m not paying attention. It is too frustrating.
It took years of hard work to learn to purposefully point to letters, one by one on a letter board, to spell out my thoughts - which is how I wrote this piece. My life changed when I found a way to communicate at age 11. Finally, I was really seen for who I am.
There are so many others just like me. Research shows that a high percentage of autistic people also have apraxia, and other nonspeakers who are able to communicate describe similar experiences to mine. So why don’t we know more about it? The fact is that most autism research focuses on people who speak.
We need more research about apraxia and its connection to non-speaking autism. And we need to stop assuming that people who lack speech also lack understanding and intelligence. The segregation in education must end, and non-speaking students must be given access to age appropriate curriculum. The inability to speak and control one’s body well is not indicative of a person’s capacity and desire to learn. These outdated and biased beliefs about our disability cause immense suffering for way too many people.
——————
Reckoning (a villanelle)
People got to feel good about themselves somehow
Face value stereotypes ease their way
As for me, really I got to take a bow.
So many misconceptions follow me around
To some I’ll only ever be dumb as rock
People got to feel good about themselves somehow.
Inside, my thoughts blossom, stretch, abound
But other minds remain rigid and closed
As for me, really I got to take a bow.
The ones who believe, who change, who can allow
their mistake and honestly undertake their
Reckoning, will feel good about themselves somehow.
I see colors with voices, I think purple sound
realizing my brain is something uniquely equipped
That is why, really I got to take a bow.
I can’t squander my spirit, demolishing doubt
To those narrow minds who always refuse to see
People got to feel good about themselves somehow
And with this poem, I’ve taken my bow.
