Will Durst: G.O.P. autopsy | KALW

Will Durst: G.O.P. autopsy

Mar 27, 2013


A few choice words about the Republicans releasing their 100-page report detailing why the last Presidential campaign was dead on arrival. Some say it's a comprehensive post-election review, while others call it an autopsy. But fairytale might be more like it, with the general theme finding nothing wrong with the party's message – the problem is all in the delivery.

No need to be more compassionate; just learn how to seem more compassionate. Got to win Ohio without ticking off Arkansas. In other words, the only remedy necessary is to bleach the spots off the leopard. You know, these guys are more clueless than a blindfolded Inspector Cluzo with amnesia. You want an autopsy? I'll give you an autopsy. 

Concerning the corpse of the 2012 Republican campaign: 

External examination of the body, an old white billionaire, reveals a serrated knife approximately nine inches long with the initials Grover Norquist engraved on the handle, protruding from under the right side between the fifth and sixths ribs. Gun shot residue was found four inches thick covering the right hand, which, considering the holes in the right temple with an upward trajectory is consistent with a series of self-inflicted gunshot wounds. DNA tests reveal skin samples found under the broken nails found on both hands are indicative of a series of fights between the victim and an unknown woman, or women. The nose is missing, which corresponds to a recent recurring history of tea-party-itis where the sufferer has been known to cut off his nose to spite his face. Pending toxicology results, internal examination reveals organs to be in a state consistent with the victim's age, except for the discovery of a total absense of heart. This mild cardial void has been determined to be the cuase of death, along with the aforementioned complications of various extreme traumas. In other words, the victim was probably dead for a long time, we just didn't know it. 

The opinions of Will Durst do not reflect the opinions of KALW or Crosscurrents.