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Healthy Relationships: From Awareness to Advocacy

Photo of Jessica Kim
A lot of adults don’t acknowledge there are teens in relationships at all. They view it as just puppy love or not that serious, and therefore, they aren't deserving of awareness. They don’t believe teens can exhibit violent or unhealthy behaviors when in reality, they can.
Kavya Jolly

After joining the youth group Team Stronger Than You Think, tbh producer Jessica Kim realized just how many people are experience teen dating violence. And she decided to do something about it. In this story, she discusses her journey with advocacy and the importance of speaking up.

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Story Transcript

I was standing on the steps of the California State Capitol. It was February. National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. My knees were shaking. But I knew I wanted to demand that legislators continue prevention funding.

Clip of Kim's Speech: Raising awareness is only half the battle. If there is one lesson I hope to spread about teen dating violence today is that it’s preventable.

Clip of Kim's Speech: We have grown too comfortable with violence. We see it in our communities, and in our relationships, and it has become too normalized, too ingrained in our culture as something inevitable.

In a way, that speech was two years in the making. It ALL started my freshman year.

My counselor told me I had to complete 40 hours of community service to graduate. I knew I had to get started right away to meet that goal.

I got on my computer and looked up organizations near me. I came across SAVE. Or Safe Alternatives to Violent Environments. I took the bus to their office and that’s where I learned about their youth council, Team Stronger Than You Think. STYT for short. I decided to apply. The first person I met at STYT was Kavya Jolly.

KAVYA JOLLY: My name is Kavya Jolly, my pronouns are he/they and what made me want to get involved was first seeing the amount of violence, especially domestic violence, that was very normalized in my community. Me personally, I'm South Asian, and a lot of the time, intimate partner violence and domestic violence are very normalized, and speaking out about it is considered very taboo, which, you know, frustrated me a lot, especially since I saw people in my family who were survivors and, like, dismissed their own experiences and also continued the cycle of abuse. So that made me want to speak out and spread awareness about it to hopefully stop that from happening to other people.

Kavya is an 18-year-old recent graduate from Washington High School in Fremont and was part of Team STYT for three years.

Kavya plans to major in political science in the fall and hopes to continue advocating for the issues he cares about. Including teen dating violence. We relate because adults don’t always take teen issues seriously.

KAVYA JOLLY: A lot of adults, first of all, don’t acknowledge there are teens in relationships at all. They view it as just puppy love or not that serious and therefore, isn’t deserving of you know, awareness and they don’t believe teens can exhibit violent or unhealthy behaviors when in reality, they can.

He's right. Nearly 20% of teens experience sexual or physical dating violence. And 65% report being psychologically abused.

KAVYA JOLLY: In school, we honestly didn’t learn anything about teen dating violence. It was really just stuff, you know, in health about reproduction, you know, and stuff like that.

I decided to talk to Eric Burmeister. He’s the new superintendent of Fremont Unified School District. The school district I attend. When I first reached out, he didn’t know what the district does to address teen dating violence. And said he had to do some research.

ERIC BURMEISTER: What surprised me overall is Fremont's commitment to health education and the very direct and intentional instruction that our curriculum has embedded in understanding boundaries and being safe online, around understanding what is sexual assault. What is abuse, how is abuse defined. What sex trafficking is and so forth. These are all relatively modern concepts in terms of curriculum.

Schools are just beginning to discuss teen dating violence with students. As of 2022, 38 states have at least one law about preventing teen dating violence. But less than half of these states define teen dating violence. Or discuss warning signs in their curriculum. And only 2 of them mandate an investigation when teen dating violence is reported.

ERIC BURMEISTER: It's important to note that this curriculum was new to Fremont in the past year, and so your questions elevate a really wonderful opportunity for us and that opportunity is to go back to our health instructors after the first year and say, "How did it go? What did we learn?"

But what about the students who live in one of the 13 states that don’t address teen dating violence? Who can they talk to?

ERIC BURMEISTER: Unfortunately, many students do not grow up in environments where those things are openly talked about, or they don't even necessarily realize that this is an issue that they need to talk about until they are in a situation where there is a power differential.

This was true for Angela Lee, the Director of Love is Respect.

ANGELA LEE: When I was a teenager going through it, I had no idea what teen dating violence was. I actually was a victim of gaslighting, so I thought I was crazy.

I work with her closely as part of the Love is Respect National Youth Council. Without education on dating abuse, Angela didn’t know how to leave. She didn’t realize she was in an abusive relationship. She thought it was love.

ANGELA LEE: It affected my personal safety and well-being, but it also made me stay in an unhealthy relationship that turned out to be abusive because I didn't know how to navigate my emotional safety, how to speak up for myself, and at the time, I felt that person loved me so much and because I lost part of my family, I just felt connected to the pain, you know? It almost turned into something you might call an addiction.

Angela is part of the LGBTQ+ community. A group that experiences dating abuse at higher rates. A group that might not be able to talk about who they’re dating in the first place. Her identity and experience with violence in the house left her vulnerable.

ANGELA LEE: Because me myself, at age 16 and 19, I just thought something was wrong with me. I did not know how to identify a healthy relationship. I wasn't willing to trust my gut and seek out resources. I didn't have older adults in my life who could encourage and empower me because I grew up in an abusive household.

Today, Angela turns her pain into purpose. At Love is Respect, she works to prevent teens from going through what she did. She spreads resources about the signs and impacts of dating abuse. Including forms of abuse that normally aren’t talked about. Like financial abuse and digital abuse. But Angela says we can’t just be youth-focused.

ANGELA LEE: We need to be youth-driven. A lot of organizations are doing great work, but what's the missing link? And I think it's involving the communities we serve in the work and I'm grateful Love is Respect does that.

It was because of these efforts to involve young people that I learned and applied to be part of the Love is Respect Youth Council in my sophomore year. Every month, thirty of us meet to discuss the next social media campaign theme or how to improve health curriculums. In June, we met after a short break.

Clip of Love is Respect Meeting: Give me that smile, I love that smile!

The energy is high as Angela welcomes the new members.

Clip of Love is Respect Meeting: Mary, why don’t you go first? Tell them a little about yourself, where you live, why you want to be a part of the Youth Council, your age, your pronouns, whatever just take a few minutes to let them get to know you girl!

In the meeting, we receive refresher training to spot healthy relationships.

ANGELA LEE: Consent, respect, trust, honesty, communication, boundaries. So, what does that look like? Does that mean a relationship is not going to have challenges or disagreements? Absolutely not. But how can we communicate in a healthy way to make sure there is healthy conflict and you look at loveisrespect.org for more information.

We also learned about unhealthy relationships and how to recognize warning signs. Things like isolation from friends and family, extreme jealousy, invasions of privacy, intimidation, MARKER 27) the list goes on.

ANGELA LEE: I'm not saying the first time you recognize a warning sign, you should get out of a relationship. It's all about recognizing the patterns of behavior.

Relationships exist on a spectrum from healthy to abusive. Drawing the line of when an unhealthy relationship becomes abusive can be hard. Angela gives some specific examples of these warning signs to look out for.

ANGELA LEE: Excessively calling you, or texting you, you've spoken to that person, you've spoken to your partner and say, "Hey, I'm busy hanging out with friends. I'm busy hanging out with family," but they're constantly calling you and expecting you to pick up or constantly texting you. Asking for your location. Telling you what to wear or not wear. You know what I mean?

As I listen to this refresher training, I remember my first day at SAVE. When I knew nothing about healthy relationships. Now, I regularly take the bus to the office to work on projects that raise dating violence awareness. As I walk into the building, I run into Skye Peredo. They are the Community Education Coordinator and my mentor.

Clip of the SAVE office: Hi Jessica. Hi Skye! How has your summer been? It’s been good. What about you? I’m glad that I get to go on vacation tomorrow. That’s fun. I’ll be gone for a week. Oh, where are you going? I’m going on a ship somewhere I think in Mexico.

As we ride the elevator we talk about the documentary project I am working on with a fellow member of STYT. I wanted to create this documentary after watching one in my civics class about the lives of low-income Americans. I pitched the idea to Skye. And now, we are in the process of scheduling interviews. This 30-minute documentary will explore the stories of survivors of domestic violence.

During this visit, I use it as an opportunity to go to the warehouse for another project I am involved in.

Clip of the SAVE office: Door opens, oh it’s kinda spooky, walking sounds 

We dig through endless boxes to look for wellness items I can put in bags.

Clip of the SAVE office: There's shampoo and conditioner too. And it's like fancy stuff. It’s like Kiehl's and Lancome. And there's makeup stuff too.

Once assembled, these bags will go to survivors entering and leaving the Safe House shelter and motel housing program.

Sound of shuffling through boxes

We return to the office where I email businesses. I see if they are willing to donate items from toothpaste to clothes. These will be put in the wellness bags. While emails sound boring, working on these projects have been the highlight of my high school experience.

I think about the survivors I’ve talked to. Many of them experienced homelessness or had to drop out of school. It’s made me think about what is truly important in my life. And it is not getting perfect grades. Or being liked by everyone. Instead, I prioritize my relationships with family and friends. And I look for purpose and happiness in the activities I do. When I asked Skye why they think young people should advocate for issues they care about, they said.

SKYE PEREDO: I think it's a really good way for youth to gain confidence in themselves and they realize they can do these big picture things.

Two years ago, I would have said young people should advocate because it makes positive change. This is still true. But Skye’s answer made me reflect on my own journey. Without my counselor’s nudge, I would have never learned about teen dating violence. And I definitely wouldn’t have thought I could lead projects to address it. It seems before you can make a difference, you have to know that you can. Thankfully, Gen Z is one of the most politically aware generations. And Superintendent Burmeister has seen this shift.

ERIC BURMEISTER: I wish I could've grown up when the youth today are growing up. Um, you know. More than any other time in human history, our youth are teaching the adults. When we talk about changing systems, those systems are changing more rapidly and in a spirit of more equity and justice because youth are advocating, because youth are advocating, because youth are aware, because they are demanding that systems change to protect them and to meet the where they are at.

What he’s observing is not a coincidence. But despite more youth speaking up, getting the attention of policymakers remains a challenge.

ERIC BURMEISTER: We do live in a very politicized environment where some folks feel we shouldn't talk about this at all and some folks feel we're not talking about it enough.

So, what can young people do? Kavya says the answer is to start small.

KAVYA JOLLY: Taking on very big issues on a very big stage can seem very intimidating and make you feel powerless, but if you are able to start small and start local in your area it one, can just be more approachable for you personally, but also you’re able to personally see and can connect with the people around you and see the change you can make in a small area. And that can be very fulfilling and give you a lot of hope to continue advocacy long term.

It isn’t always easy because advocacy isn’t a linear process. When I hear stories of teens experiencing dating abuse. Or read how thousands of shelter beds can close overnight without funding, I wonder if I am making a difference at all.

But, if there is one thing I have learned in these two years, it is that there’s no time to wait. I think back to when I was standing before a crowd of people at the capitol. I talked about this idea of how we wait for change.

Clip of Kim's Speech: It’s time to stop waiting for a miracle. Research has shown time and time again the best intervention is prevention. With prevention funding, we can better answer the question, “How can parents talk to teens about boundaries and healthy relationships? How can we support the 80% of school counselors who currently feel unprepared to address disclosures of dating abuse? How can we support survivors with the resources they need? How can we support the LGBTQ+ youth who are more vulnerable to experiencing violence in their relationships? How can we stop violence from happening in the first place?”

I was a person who would always wait for the perfect time. The first step is hard, but I now know that you just have to start. Because to me, teen dating violence is an issue worth fighting for. I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon and neither do Kavya, Skye, and Angela.

ANGELA LEE: To our young people, just know, you are the future and we believe in you and we’re here to support you. 

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