Tagged: Will Durst

All of America should drop to its knees and thank the GOP for providing America with our replacement fireworks. Cities all over the country this year were forced to cancel Fourth of July festivities due to lack of money, fear of fire, and incompetent computers.

Permanently capitalizing the “P” in Presumptive Nominee, the Texas primary shoved Mitt Romney right over the delegate precipice. And now with the nomination locked up tighter than a rusted pickle jar 20,000 leagues beneath the sea, the campaign has taken a sudden turn towards the nebulous. Candidates don’t make mistakes in the murky bog of summer. Even when they do, the atmosphere is too hazy to notice.

Disregard the almanac. And the calendar. Forget whatever the meteorologist or the astrology charts or your next-door neighbor with the hair growing out of a mole shaped like the state of Delaware on his nose told you. The true wormhole opening to summer is not the upcoming solstice on Wednesday, June 20th – it is, has been, and forever shall be the last Monday of May, Memorial Day.